Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Randomize
