I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
