my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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