She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
