lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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