Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
