did you get engaged???
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
