True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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