Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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