I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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