Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
