I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
