okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
