My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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