Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
