Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
