I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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