so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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