Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
