So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
