i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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