So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
