I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
