Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
40s are totally the cure
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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