I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
