those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
