Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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