did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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