She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
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I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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