I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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