Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
