i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
