I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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