Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
