Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
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Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
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Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
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