1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
