Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
