Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
