Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
