Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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