My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
