i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
