matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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