Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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