I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
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y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
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It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.