the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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