the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
