2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Someone shit on the floor
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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