im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
