I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
