I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
