My liver just broke up with me...
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize