My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
