I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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