Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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