also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
