That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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