So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
