I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
