i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
whose ass print is on the piano?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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