just survived the first fart of the relationship.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
