I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
