We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
